Sunday, August 5th, 2007
3:05PM

Ollie,

I'm sorry I didn't write anything yesterday. What was there to say? I'm grounded. No matter what I do, Mom doesn't care and won't say anything really. Dad reminded me that I was going to talk to Pastor Brother Billy today and I did.

I hate my life. I hate how it's become so much worse than it ever was when we first moved here. And I hate that I can't see it getting better.

Brother Billy asked me why I thought I was gay and I told him that it was because I wanted things with another boy that most boys want with a girl. And he reminded me that it was a sin against God. He had out his Bible and read the verses. There were some in the New Testiment that Paul wrote. I actually laughed a little thinking back to what I thought of Paul and Timothy.

I, of course, didn't tell Brother Billy that. I did say that I didn't think God would have made me this way if He didn't love me. You know, that includes being albino too! The Pastor just got frustrated with my answers, not that I cared.

After about an hour, with him telling me that he was "praying for me" and that I should be "doing daily devotions with God," he talked another hour with my dad. I dunno what they said but Dad was quiet on the way home which was just a few minutes ago.

So here we are again, Ollie. You and me in this cell. What are you in for? Ha! Ha! Remember it doesn't have to be something serious. At least he hasn't hit me lately.

--Kalki


Sunday, August 5th, 2007
8:22PM

Ollie,

Dad just told me that I need to pack up my backpack with a few days worth of clothes because tomorrow I was going to Grandma and Grandpa's. That's the best news I've heard all week! If dad is so pissed with me that he sends me to stay with them until school gets back in, that's I'm all for it!

Yeah, I'll miss Synth and Eddie and all that, but I already was missing them since I was grounded.

Maybe Grandpa will buy me a new skateboard. Hell, maybe he can build me one!! He usually builds wooden birdhouses and windmills, but I bet he could make a decent deck for me.

Don't worry though!! You're coming with me. I hope you're comfortable next to "Owl in Love" and The Bible. I'm taking that too just so it looks like I am doing the devotions Pastor Brother Billy talked about. I'm starting to think that maybe the best way to get out of this mess is to play their game and pretend for them.

Think about it. If I start doing what they want, then they'll lay off. I'll go back to school, get off restriction. I'll have all my free time back just because I looked like I changed my mind. But you and I both know that nothing will ever change. And they'll think they've won and maybe they'll treat me better.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Grandma and Grandpa. It seems like it's been since Christmas last year that I saw them.

See you when we get in the mountians, Ollie!!

--Kalki
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
9:01PM

Oh God Ollie you have no idea what's happened in the last two days because I couldn't risk pulling you out of where I hid you inside the leather cover where my Bible used to be.

Dad did not take me to Grandma and Grandpa's house. He lied. He lied and has put me in this place where I'm supposed to become "educated of my sins" and "trained for heterosexuality" and a "return to the Lord's Path." But really it comes across more like a small bording school place. Grey walls, small rooms, so many cameras.

It's lights out at 10 so I'll try to write as much about what's happened as I can. You won't be believe it and I wished none of it were true.

I went to sleep in the car ride to where I thought I was going to be staying with Grandma and Grandpa. Instead, when I wake up we're in the middle of the woods, kind of in the mountians at this short grey brick building with small windows.

We got my things and I was taken to this room. I was still kind of out of it, but I did know that the door was locked behind me. I would find out later that Dad had set this whole thing up with Pastor Brother Billy on Sunday. This room is small. Smaller than my room back home. It has a bunk bed, I'm currently laying on the bottom one writing as far away from the camera as possible. I don't think it can see this far.

Yeah there is a camera. It's inside a plexi-glass box. The red light on top of it is strangely hard to ignore.

There is a dresser and a desk with a chair and that's it. Not much room for all of this stuff either so it's kind of cramped. All the rooms on this hall have to share the bathroom and shower I was told. And that's monitored as well.

I'm supposed to get a roommate tomorrow morning.

So what is this place you're probably wondering, Ollie. Well, I'm now enrolled in a three month residency program designed to make me not gay anymore. I'm not kidding. For the next ninety days I'm supposed to do my school work here while also attend meetings with peer groups and pastors and other church leaders. I have to see a therapist every other day. I have to do daily devotionals. And all of this is supposed to make me think that God can save me from the sin of homosexuality.

All of this, and I haven't even kissed a boy yet.

I'm very scared of this place, Ollie. While yesterday was mostly about orientation -- meaning getting me information about how things worked here at New Horizons for Daily Living, not sexual orientation -- I could already tell that I was going to have problems with other boys here. Not surprising. I'm a Ghost. At lunch, I sat by myself in the lunchroom. I was already having lunch later than everyone else, and after the bell rang and the fourty or so boys got up, one came over and put his tray next to mine and told me that I'd be "taking his trash" from now on. I'm pretty sure he wasn't just talking about the lunch tray. He's an older boy with dark eyes and hair and he's taller than me. I saw some tattoos on his wrists underneath the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. I want to stay away from him and I don't even know his name.

I don't have any faith at all that I won't be either beat up or worse here at this place even though there are cameras in the rooms, the bathroom, the halls, the lunchroom, and the offices. Because I bet the officials will overlook anything that happens to me until I start to show some kind of progress or something in their eyes.

And you remember I just wrote the other day I was going to start playing things my dad's way?

Anyway, I met Reverand and also Doctor John Smyde who was the director of the place. He smiled a lot and told me that after my first few days, I would "get used to being away from home, get used to way things worked at New Horizons, and that at the end of three months will feel much closer to the Lord and be thankful for my experiences here."

I doubt it.

He doesn't look all that menacing really. Grey hair, glasses, full grey beared. Kind of like Wolf Blitzer except not as lupine. Ha! Ha!

And I also met my counselor or therapist Alex Gandee who already I've nicknamed the Anti-Ghandi. Because unlike that pascifist, this guy is all agression. I thought therapists were supposed to listen to their patients and try to work within the sessions to make them "better" though in this case I have no intention on getting to their version of "better." But this guy is all fired up for God and for what he calls "the ex-homosexual movement."

Maybe if he went back to having some homosexual movement, he'd not be so full of angst himself. He was very quick to cut me off when I told him that I hadn't even done anything with a boy yet.

"You will, Kalki. You will! Because the homosexual agenda is everywhere. It gets in your face and its hard to focus on the important things in life," Alex was practically bouncing off the walls and for a grown man of over fourty, it was kind of frightning. It didn't help that he was mostly bald except for a bit of black hair that wisped over in the wind of his frantic pacing and movements. He has very strong blue eyes that freak me out and I'm an albino so you know that's pretty frightning. I don't know. I get really uncomfortble even writing about him and I'm supposed to talk to him every other day!

Anti-Ghandi asked me about Synth but I refused to talk about him. I was very up front and honest which is more than this clown of a counselor really deserved. "I'm here because my dad hates me, not because of any boy that I've wanted to be with. Synth has nothing to do with this and you guys better leave him alone."

"Don't be so defensive, Kalki." He said in another burst of activity. Coming back around the desk and to where I was sitting on the edge of a very uncomfortable and blocky blue chair, he fell to the ground at my knees and took my hands and clasped them into his. I wanted to jerk back so much but didn't. He continued in a whispered tone, but even that sounded so harsh and forceful, "Let us pray, Kalki. Pray to God that you will find yourself and your calling here."

He went into this prayer that I can't remember all of to write in here. But it just kept looping really. "Oh God bless this child, Oh Lord. You're child who has gone astray." Actually, I'm kind of laughing right now thinking about how rediculous it sounded. I mean, to be honest, I think he only wanted to pray with me like that because he used to be gay and this is his way of feeling better about himself.

What else did I learn about this phoney baloney place?

There is a playground behind the building. We're allowed to go there after lunch every day, but I wasn't because I just got here and had to fill out all my paperwork. There were the copies of the rules I was to follow. No cursing. No gum. No running in the halls. No kissing, hugging, improper touching. No masturbation. (Yeah right!) Oh! No nudity except in the shower. That made me laugh. No oral sex, no anal sex, no mutual masturbation. And of course reading these rules were getting me hard. There were a few I didn't know what they meant like "No rimming" and "No frottage." I wonder if they have a library with a dictionary. If these things are against the rules, I'm sure they're probably fun. Ha! Ha!

I also saw some of the papers that my dad had signed. A waiver that made it so New Horizons wasn't liable for any injuries I had while I was here. That I was not to have any contact with anyone other than him. These things made me nervous and angry and scared. I had joked about my room being like a cell back home, Ollie, but this place could be just like one too.

That's about all I have time to write tonight. The lights automatically go off at 10 and... it's about 9:50PM right now. I guess the camera can see in the dark. Because otherwise it doesn't make any sense that we have roommates. Maybe there is some kind of Biblical message to be found there about resisting temptation or something.

Anyway, I meet my roommate tomorrow. Hope he's not like the guy at lunch or any other crazy person who may end up killing me in the next eighty eight days. I also meet my teacher. School lessons here are probably going to be harder than the ones in the public school I bet. But that may actually be the ONLY good thing I get out of this place.

You know, I feel a little better after writing in you, Ollie. I'm glad you got to be here or else I'd be absolutely alone. I'd like to say I can't believe that my dad did this to me, actually I'm not that surprised. I think I can survive this place, but it'll be easier with you. I'll have to find a new hiding spot though. What happens if someone opens you thinking you're a copy of the Bible. Instead of the story of Jonah and the Whale they'll find my lusting for adrogynous men and recounting my tales of how well I skate and dream of going to the X-Games. I miss Eddie already.

--Kalki

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