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Labels: NaNoWriMo, television, you tube

Labels: NaNoWriMo

Labels: clubbing, DJ Kaze and Tatsuo, movies, NaNoWriMo, personal, The Body Shop, WETbar, yaoi

Sunday, August 5th, 2007
3:05PM

Ollie,

I'm sorry I didn't write anything yesterday. What was there to say? I'm grounded. No matter what I do, Mom doesn't care and won't say anything really. Dad reminded me that I was going to talk to Pastor Brother Billy today and I did.

I hate my life. I hate how it's become so much worse than it ever was when we first moved here. And I hate that I can't see it getting better.

Brother Billy asked me why I thought I was gay and I told him that it was because I wanted things with another boy that most boys want with a girl. And he reminded me that it was a sin against God. He had out his Bible and read the verses. There were some in the New Testiment that Paul wrote. I actually laughed a little thinking back to what I thought of Paul and Timothy.

I, of course, didn't tell Brother Billy that. I did say that I didn't think God would have made me this way if He didn't love me. You know, that includes being albino too! The Pastor just got frustrated with my answers, not that I cared.

After about an hour, with him telling me that he was "praying for me" and that I should be "doing daily devotions with God," he talked another hour with my dad. I dunno what they said but Dad was quiet on the way home which was just a few minutes ago.

So here we are again, Ollie. You and me in this cell. What are you in for? Ha! Ha! Remember it doesn't have to be something serious. At least he hasn't hit me lately.

--Kalki


Sunday, August 5th, 2007
8:22PM

Ollie,

Dad just told me that I need to pack up my backpack with a few days worth of clothes because tomorrow I was going to Grandma and Grandpa's. That's the best news I've heard all week! If dad is so pissed with me that he sends me to stay with them until school gets back in, that's I'm all for it!

Yeah, I'll miss Synth and Eddie and all that, but I already was missing them since I was grounded.

Maybe Grandpa will buy me a new skateboard. Hell, maybe he can build me one!! He usually builds wooden birdhouses and windmills, but I bet he could make a decent deck for me.

Don't worry though!! You're coming with me. I hope you're comfortable next to "Owl in Love" and The Bible. I'm taking that too just so it looks like I am doing the devotions Pastor Brother Billy talked about. I'm starting to think that maybe the best way to get out of this mess is to play their game and pretend for them.

Think about it. If I start doing what they want, then they'll lay off. I'll go back to school, get off restriction. I'll have all my free time back just because I looked like I changed my mind. But you and I both know that nothing will ever change. And they'll think they've won and maybe they'll treat me better.

I'm really looking forward to seeing Grandma and Grandpa. It seems like it's been since Christmas last year that I saw them.

See you when we get in the mountians, Ollie!!

--Kalki
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
9:01PM

Oh God Ollie you have no idea what's happened in the last two days because I couldn't risk pulling you out of where I hid you inside the leather cover where my Bible used to be.

Dad did not take me to Grandma and Grandpa's house. He lied. He lied and has put me in this place where I'm supposed to become "educated of my sins" and "trained for heterosexuality" and a "return to the Lord's Path." But really it comes across more like a small bording school place. Grey walls, small rooms, so many cameras.

It's lights out at 10 so I'll try to write as much about what's happened as I can. You won't be believe it and I wished none of it were true.

I went to sleep in the car ride to where I thought I was going to be staying with Grandma and Grandpa. Instead, when I wake up we're in the middle of the woods, kind of in the mountians at this short grey brick building with small windows.

We got my things and I was taken to this room. I was still kind of out of it, but I did know that the door was locked behind me. I would find out later that Dad had set this whole thing up with Pastor Brother Billy on Sunday. This room is small. Smaller than my room back home. It has a bunk bed, I'm currently laying on the bottom one writing as far away from the camera as possible. I don't think it can see this far.

Yeah there is a camera. It's inside a plexi-glass box. The red light on top of it is strangely hard to ignore.

There is a dresser and a desk with a chair and that's it. Not much room for all of this stuff either so it's kind of cramped. All the rooms on this hall have to share the bathroom and shower I was told. And that's monitored as well.

I'm supposed to get a roommate tomorrow morning.

So what is this place you're probably wondering, Ollie. Well, I'm now enrolled in a three month residency program designed to make me not gay anymore. I'm not kidding. For the next ninety days I'm supposed to do my school work here while also attend meetings with peer groups and pastors and other church leaders. I have to see a therapist every other day. I have to do daily devotionals. And all of this is supposed to make me think that God can save me from the sin of homosexuality.

All of this, and I haven't even kissed a boy yet.

I'm very scared of this place, Ollie. While yesterday was mostly about orientation -- meaning getting me information about how things worked here at New Horizons for Daily Living, not sexual orientation -- I could already tell that I was going to have problems with other boys here. Not surprising. I'm a Ghost. At lunch, I sat by myself in the lunchroom. I was already having lunch later than everyone else, and after the bell rang and the fourty or so boys got up, one came over and put his tray next to mine and told me that I'd be "taking his trash" from now on. I'm pretty sure he wasn't just talking about the lunch tray. He's an older boy with dark eyes and hair and he's taller than me. I saw some tattoos on his wrists underneath the long sleeved shirt he was wearing. I want to stay away from him and I don't even know his name.

I don't have any faith at all that I won't be either beat up or worse here at this place even though there are cameras in the rooms, the bathroom, the halls, the lunchroom, and the offices. Because I bet the officials will overlook anything that happens to me until I start to show some kind of progress or something in their eyes.

And you remember I just wrote the other day I was going to start playing things my dad's way?

Anyway, I met Reverand and also Doctor John Smyde who was the director of the place. He smiled a lot and told me that after my first few days, I would "get used to being away from home, get used to way things worked at New Horizons, and that at the end of three months will feel much closer to the Lord and be thankful for my experiences here."

I doubt it.

He doesn't look all that menacing really. Grey hair, glasses, full grey beared. Kind of like Wolf Blitzer except not as lupine. Ha! Ha!

And I also met my counselor or therapist Alex Gandee who already I've nicknamed the Anti-Ghandi. Because unlike that pascifist, this guy is all agression. I thought therapists were supposed to listen to their patients and try to work within the sessions to make them "better" though in this case I have no intention on getting to their version of "better." But this guy is all fired up for God and for what he calls "the ex-homosexual movement."

Maybe if he went back to having some homosexual movement, he'd not be so full of angst himself. He was very quick to cut me off when I told him that I hadn't even done anything with a boy yet.

"You will, Kalki. You will! Because the homosexual agenda is everywhere. It gets in your face and its hard to focus on the important things in life," Alex was practically bouncing off the walls and for a grown man of over fourty, it was kind of frightning. It didn't help that he was mostly bald except for a bit of black hair that wisped over in the wind of his frantic pacing and movements. He has very strong blue eyes that freak me out and I'm an albino so you know that's pretty frightning. I don't know. I get really uncomfortble even writing about him and I'm supposed to talk to him every other day!

Anti-Ghandi asked me about Synth but I refused to talk about him. I was very up front and honest which is more than this clown of a counselor really deserved. "I'm here because my dad hates me, not because of any boy that I've wanted to be with. Synth has nothing to do with this and you guys better leave him alone."

"Don't be so defensive, Kalki." He said in another burst of activity. Coming back around the desk and to where I was sitting on the edge of a very uncomfortable and blocky blue chair, he fell to the ground at my knees and took my hands and clasped them into his. I wanted to jerk back so much but didn't. He continued in a whispered tone, but even that sounded so harsh and forceful, "Let us pray, Kalki. Pray to God that you will find yourself and your calling here."

He went into this prayer that I can't remember all of to write in here. But it just kept looping really. "Oh God bless this child, Oh Lord. You're child who has gone astray." Actually, I'm kind of laughing right now thinking about how rediculous it sounded. I mean, to be honest, I think he only wanted to pray with me like that because he used to be gay and this is his way of feeling better about himself.

What else did I learn about this phoney baloney place?

There is a playground behind the building. We're allowed to go there after lunch every day, but I wasn't because I just got here and had to fill out all my paperwork. There were the copies of the rules I was to follow. No cursing. No gum. No running in the halls. No kissing, hugging, improper touching. No masturbation. (Yeah right!) Oh! No nudity except in the shower. That made me laugh. No oral sex, no anal sex, no mutual masturbation. And of course reading these rules were getting me hard. There were a few I didn't know what they meant like "No rimming" and "No frottage." I wonder if they have a library with a dictionary. If these things are against the rules, I'm sure they're probably fun. Ha! Ha!

I also saw some of the papers that my dad had signed. A waiver that made it so New Horizons wasn't liable for any injuries I had while I was here. That I was not to have any contact with anyone other than him. These things made me nervous and angry and scared. I had joked about my room being like a cell back home, Ollie, but this place could be just like one too.

That's about all I have time to write tonight. The lights automatically go off at 10 and... it's about 9:50PM right now. I guess the camera can see in the dark. Because otherwise it doesn't make any sense that we have roommates. Maybe there is some kind of Biblical message to be found there about resisting temptation or something.

Anyway, I meet my roommate tomorrow. Hope he's not like the guy at lunch or any other crazy person who may end up killing me in the next eighty eight days. I also meet my teacher. School lessons here are probably going to be harder than the ones in the public school I bet. But that may actually be the ONLY good thing I get out of this place.

You know, I feel a little better after writing in you, Ollie. I'm glad you got to be here or else I'd be absolutely alone. I'd like to say I can't believe that my dad did this to me, actually I'm not that surprised. I think I can survive this place, but it'll be easier with you. I'll have to find a new hiding spot though. What happens if someone opens you thinking you're a copy of the Bible. Instead of the story of Jonah and the Whale they'll find my lusting for adrogynous men and recounting my tales of how well I skate and dream of going to the X-Games. I miss Eddie already.

--Kalki

Labels: NaNoWriMo

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

What turned out to be a really horrible birthday present in this diary may turn out to be a good idea after all. Sometimes my mother, while she's pretty much always useless otherwise, does something for my benefit. Not that she stepped up to dad for me today.

Right after I got home from the skate park -- I was continuing to try out some of the new tricks on the half pipe. Still not doing so well Eddie said on my landings. He's the one who runs the place. He's probably nearly fourty, and suffered some kind of accident he doesn't ever want to talk about. All I know is it involved boarding and that led him to wanting to open up the skate shop. He's got some really sick gear I would have much rather had instead of you diary. No offence, I mean.

Anyway, yesterday was my 16th birthday and I spent it with Synth at the mall. He's a beautiful guy. He looks kind of like a girl, but he says people don't really pick on him about it. I think he was a model when he was a teenager. He's twenty two now. Synth's definately my best friend because he saw past my white skin and hair. Pretty much all the normal people find me creepy because of the albinoism. It took me laying down my sickest trick in front of the neighboorhood
boys before they'd stop giving me such a hard time.

I can, on a good day, not everyday you know... and I have to watch out for cops... But, yeah, on a good day I can run across a parked car while my deck continues rolling underneath and land on it perfectly. I don't even think Rodney Mullen can do that and he's the best skater alive. No offence to Tony Hawk or anything. It's just, well, he's kind of old. I think he has kids my age.

Oh, shit! I don't think I told you who I was besides the albino thing. My name is Kalki Helaku. I am part Hawaiian and part regular white. My dad is full Hawaiian, my mom is just white. But since I'm an albino, I'm really white. The kids called me Ghosty which bothered me alot, but after making friends with them at Eddie's, he gave me a skateboard with a blue ghost decal from Pac-Man so now people call me The Blue Ghost. I like that better. I started wearing blue-themed t-shirt too to help support the nickname. I also am glad the weather here in Georgia is like Hawaii was in that it's almost always warm enough for my knee length cargo shorts.

Let's see... I'm five and a half feet tall. Lucky, I hit a growth spurt like a while back. I actually can notice a bit how much more I have to work on my center of gravity while doing tricks! I weigh about 125 pounds which is a bit more than I like. The last thing I need is to add one more thing to be made fun about. I have kind of pale light blue eyes. My white hair is at the top of my collar. As long as the school allows. Well, it's gotten a bit longer since school's out. I bet dad'll complain about that any day now.

I'm 16 now. Just turned 16 yesterday. That makes me a Leo if you believe in that horoscope stuff. I don't. I mean, how can someone who's an albino and also likes boys which has to be a real rarity believe in things like fate. I mean, about 1 in 17,000 people have some kind of albinoism right? But not everyone of those is like me. It's probably like a hundred times that for full blown melinin problems. And then to add being gay on top of it.

But you know, that leads me to why I was saying when I started. My dad is an asshole. I guess I'm going to have to keep a close eye on this thing if I say stuff like this, but it's the truth. My dad hates that I'm an albino even though it's his fault. He hates that I am not Hawaiian Proud. And yet he married my mom! He hates that I spend almost every moment on or around a skateboard. I'm going to get sponsered and as soon as possible get to the X-Games! He says these are childish dreams even though I just turned 16! I'm old enough to drive. That is if I cared about something with wheels that size! Ha ha!

He does a lot of yelling. At me. At mom. She shrinks away from him, of course. It's "Yes Sir" and "No Sir" to him for us both which I think is really unfair. Mom is supposed to be his equal in their marriage, I think.

I yell back alot of times which gets me smacked. Not that it hurts. Well it does, but I don't want him to know that. He doesn't need any more power. Which is why he can't find out I'm gay. Even though I've wanted to basically scream it in his face just to see his crushed expression. To find out that his only kid is not only a freaky albino but also a fag... That's making me laugh just writing it!

But, of course, that'd just cause me more problems. So I'm silent about it. A silent ghost! Ha ha.

Synth knows. I told him at the mall actually yesterday. In case you haven't guessed, I do kind of like him. Maybe it's just a crush. I'm kind of new to these kinds of feelings, actually. But while we were eating at Johnny Rockets which is this kind of retro-50's diner, I was just watching him eat for a little while. He loves to eat and never gains any weight which is really weird! I don't ever see him throw it up either like models do.

But anyway, I watched the way his mouth moved while he was chewing the chicken nuggets. And then the different way the muscles of his face worked when he had to suck hard on the shake because it wasn't blended very well. I just, for the first time, wondered what it would be like to kiss a boy.

I asked him shyly if I could later when we were at the top of the hill on my street after we'd walked home. He doesn't think my dad would like my hanging out with him since he's older, and he probably right, so Synth never comes over and never walks with me all the way back to the house. So yeah, I asked him, and he said that he had a boyfriend so it would be wrong.

I wanted to tell him that it didn't have to be a serious kiss, just a pretend one so I knew what it was like. And then I got all embarassed as he laughed. I'm sure even with skin as white as mine, I was blushing.

So I decided since I was really not interested in girls ever and had started to feel something for Synth that I was probably gay. And so with that and the skating. With my albino stuff and my dad being such an asshole. Maybe it was okay after all that my mom got me you diary. I'm going to have to come up with a nickname for you. "Diary" is too generic and my life is anything but. Until next time I write...

--Kalki
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
2:30AM

I'm going to start writing the time that I write in you so that later when I go back and read it, I'll know even more what kind of frame of mind I'm in. Who knows, maybe one day I'll become a famous skater and will be asked if I want to publish a story about my life. I think it'd make for a better movie though, not a book. Who reads books unless they're forced to anyway?

I can't sleep. Obviously!

I've been thinking about where I can hide you since I'm going to be writing everything in here. Secrets I definately don't want dad to find out. And even though mom knows I think she really needs to stand up for herself, she probably shouldn't read you either.

The easy answer would be to keep you at Eddie's in my locker I rent there. But, the skateshop is closed on Sunday and at night. What if something life altering happens?

It's also summer for another month, so my school locker is out.

Hmm. Looking around my room here. Oh! I guess I can decribe my room while I'm thinking about this. It won't be a shock to tell you I have mostly posters I've found in magazines or bought at Eddie's. I even have the official 2007 "Heaven is a Half-Pipe" calender which he put out for the first time this year. It features twelve boys and even one girl who he took pictures of doing tricks and put them into a calender. I hadn't moved to Georgia yet last year when the auditions or whatever were being held. But you can believe I'm going to try for next year's calender. I gotta ask Eddie when that is tomorrow. And I absolutely don't care if my dad says no. Being in a calender will definately look good when I want sponsorships for my X-Games debut. Maybe my unique look will even get the cover. I'm sure that even though I'm pretty much Eddie's best friend, he'll be fair to everyone who enters. But still, maybe being an albino will be a bonus in this case!

Oh yeah, I was describing my room. I got a single bed. Not much exiting there. It feels small as does the room really. We got a small house because only my dad works and he doesn't make much money at the power company. He drives what they call a cherry picker truck. I wished he'd fall out of it one day.

I have a small fish tank on my dresser that doesn't have any fish in it. The tiger sharks died a month ago and I had to flush them. I didn't tell anyone and just leave it running on. The bubble sound really helps me sleep. Except tonight apparently!

I know where I can hide you diary. In the tiles on the ceiling. I could lift up one of the tiles and stuff you up there. It'll be kind of inconvienant but it's the best I got right now. Mom should have bought a diary with a lock and key. She never thinks these things through. Oh well. Until later then diary.

-- Kalki
PS: I'm still working on a nickname for you. How do you like "Ollie?"

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