Sick and tired of swimming upstream.
Last night at Heretic while hanging out with a new boy I had on my prospects list, another disappointment, another attack of frustration. Another guy comes up to him and together they scurry off to the bathroom. This is just after he'd gone to the bathroom with his room mate. Labels: boys, drugs, Heretic, personal, Shinji
I ask the room mate who's conversing with boys he thinks are attractive, "Is he going to the restroom to do what I think?"
"Yes."
"Tell him I'll talk to him some other time," came my annoyed reply.
Suspicions that the boy I was interested in likes to do the drugs was enough to send me away. But PIXIE, you'd say, you haven't got anything else going on. What's wrong with a little coke or meth. He just likes to have a good time. And maybe that wasn't it at all. You're overreacting!
Am I?
Am I really?
I think this is just a symptom of a much larger problem I seem to have right now. I'm STILL in the middle of the gay community scene trying to swim upstream. And unlike the mighty powerful salmon, this fishy is exhausted from the climb up without any payoff lately.
What's the point of going out, enjoying the vibe and music of a place if no matter who you talk to, casually or otherwise, turns into either being a complete douche bag (Shinji) or into drugs? And that's even if they find me attractive or interesting enough to talk to in the first place?
But where else can I find someone of the boy on boy persuasion? I'm not about to become one of those guys who troll the bookstore. I'm not exactly sure if there are any real community things I could be interested in that would get me what I want either.
It's not like I'm doing anything particularly wrong, I don't think.
I just am getting so tired of this life.
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No more Shinji.
Last night, after a wonderful showing of "Son of Rambow" in which Colin and I got to meet the director of the film at their kickin' 80s after party (the film is set in the 80s,) we headed to Heretic to see Kaze and Tatsuo. Labels: colin, DJ Kaze and Tatsuo, Heretic, movies, Shinji
We weren't going to stay long, and indeed we didn't. But before we could manage to leave, Shinji spontaneously showed. He says he's lost his phone. But I was very glad to see him. At least at first. But unlike the want and desire he'd been showing me for the last month or so, he hardly treated me nice. In fact, I'd say he was quite mean. Everything from picking on me, to physical attacks that he said he was playing but I told him I wasn't liking it. Yeah, this is not where I want to be. Seme uke games be damned.
This type of behavior, along with the previous things that he's done -- either deliberate, or on accident -- really just proves to me that this isn't going to work out. Much as I hate to say it, he's not the guy for me.
So I'm done trying to mess with that.
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All apologies.
I talked to Shinji for about a half hour, and while I really would have liked to have seen him again as early as tonight, he's busy with homework that's piled up since he's been at his friend's after the emergency exit he made on Wednesday. Labels: Heretic, personal, Shinji
While I'm still wary, I accepted the apology.
I think I need to really take a different approach to Shinji and what's been going on between us for the last month. While I mentioned to Kaze that I'd been preparing for this kind of opportunity for so long, I'm starting to realize that this is not what I expected. And I've been out of a dating type situation for so long.
I did the right thing by telling him it was a mistake to vanish on me like that.
The whole thing is a very odd peculiar thing. To feel like it's rather advanced on some levels and not at all much advanced on others. Cryptic I know. I'm having a hard time explaining what I'm thinking.
I think I should be applying more desire and being more direct with my wants, not less. Not in such a way that pushes it too fast, but more like making it more firm.
One thing is definitely for sure, I'm not used to being uke. I think that's where, along with my being rusty in this type of thing, is really causing me the most problems. He's seme. Most definitely considering the way he talks and by his actions.
I won't likely see him this weekend. I said I was going tonight, so he may surprise and show up, but I'm not counting on it. And I told him I'm filming with friends tomorrow so probably won't be able to go out myself. When I asked if we can see each other elsewhere, for food or something, it didn't go much of anywhere other than a discussion on what kinds of food we like.
There's more talk of sexy things, but, well, it's still not there yet. He talks about the dark room at Heretic in negative ways, but I know he actually likes it back there. Maybe next Wednesday I can get another chance to pull him in there.
I know I need to chill, but it's so hard for me to chill when it's so hard. All the time. Jesus Christ this ecchiness is driving me insane.
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No respect.
Another Wednesday night at Heretic and despite Shinji saying he wouldn't be able to go, he was there. Great right? Well, as apparently an uke bitch that I am, I was placated for a while. But left holding a drink I bought for him, and was thanked for.
Yeah, he disappeared and was never heard nor seen again this evening.
I sent him the following text. The fact that it was in haiku will be lost on him, I'm sure:
So you disappeared
leaving me holding your drink.
That was a mistake.
I don't anticipate seeing him again.
UPDATE: He calls and leaves a voice mail around 2 while I am work. This was after he had classes today. He says he is sorry and that he left because his friend's wife had to go the hospital that he left immediately. He sounds kind of sincere and says he's sorry like a bunch of times and that he knows he made a mistake. I'm not sure what to think.
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"A lot of fire in this one."
Shinji is a proclaimed seme. And with his buzz hair cut, frayed ball caps, and cologne I could have predicted such. The topic came up when Kaze, Tatsuo, Shinji and myself were all at WETbar on Saturday night. Enjoying the open bar up in the SKYbar lounge part of the sprawling nightclub, Shinji said he was seme. When I tried to capture more kisses, he tried but ultimately failed to slip away. "A lot of fire in this one," I exclaimed happily. Labels: clubbing, DJ Kaze and Tatsuo, personal, Shinji, WETbar
"There's going to be a lot of butting heads." Kaze explained.
But I can take it. I was turned uke before when I dated Ashley for over three years. And quite honestly, I actually don't mind the role at all. Kind of crave the feelings of comfort and security. That is after being held down and buttraped. I'll certainly need to regain my abilities in taking such though since it's been over two years since I've been on the receiving end of a hot beef injection.
But back to Shinji and the night at WETbar. Yes, the same WETbar I was so angry at for kicking me off the shuttle at 3am because they decided to stop running it for the night. Well, it was better this time, thankfully, and Shinji really did like the space. It's beautiful with many levels, the upstairs patio, and outside gardens.
We danced a bit, though never on the actual dance floor (packed due to DJ Tracy Young.) We kissed a bit, though it wasn't nearly enough for me (probably due to his bashfulness being around my friends.) And we made it pretty well stated that something is starting to go on between us.
I know we need to do something outside of the nightlife soon. Going to Speed Racer was mentioned but that's not until May, so something before then. Something that hopefully grants me more time with Shinji who may have only been joking when he said he was dumping me as his boyfriend. It was exclaimed to Kaze when he was telling us that my directions were bad since exit 250 was closed. Oops! But hey, did he say boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure I would label it as "dating" at this point if I was told I had to give it some sort of classification. After all, we only somewhat know each other and are only at first base. Hehehe. Still, I'll take it. Because like I said to Kaze while the two semes (Tatsuo and Shinji) were wandering around while we were outside chatting, "Not to put too much emphasis on everything, but if this IS something, it is what I've been kind of training the last several years for: A Japanese boyfriend."
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